so i took a hiatus from tumblr for a bit! gonna keep on keepin’ on.
catch me over at http://www.cuntext.com, or on the twitters if you want, or irl if you’d prefer! potential topics planned: queer family, femme superpowers, writing exercises, recommended reading? we’ll see.
here are the good things:
my yoga therapy training has begun for serious, and while there are obviously some terrible things about it, it’s powerful stuff and there is room to push change
almost done reorganizing/redecorating my bedroom to be the femme sex palace of my dreams
this has involved staining wood on my back balcony, swoon
i can listen to “try sleeping with a broken heart” and have my overwhelming feeling be “goddamn this is a fucking amazing song”. bfd, guyz
it’s 15˚ past midnight, y’all. heyyyyyyyyy there, summer! or at least proper spring
going to work on submitting to new smut project because hello character-driven smut in which someone says “no”. interesting constraints, plenty of real-life examples that are hot as fuck to work from.
i’ll be on leave from my real job in less than a month, which means i’ll be writing every day or at least most days
felix is moving up here in a bit more than a month. holy shit. it’s like the biggest “i think it, it happens” of life!
in 1640 some asshole named johnliterally had to change all the pronouns in those 126 sonnets because they were super fuckin queer and he was not comfy with how super fuckin queer they were
also, like, casual elizabethan bisexuality? christopher “they who love not tobacco and boys are fools” marlowe? the venetian “tit bridge”, where prostitutes were commanded by official decree to stand around topless to entice men who were bangin’ too many dudes, because there were so many gay men it was becoming a legitimate social problem?
welcome to the wonderful world of “literally everyone in the past was queer”, friend, enjoy your stay
When researchers at the University of Toronto and the University of Washington observed young people’s behavior in bars, they found that the man’s aggressiveness didn’t match his level of intoxication. There was no relationship.
Ten years after the debut of the life-altering movie that is Mean Girls, actor Daniel Franzese, who played openly gay high schooler Damian, has come out as gay.
Franzese, now 36, wrote a letter to his character that was published in IndieWire. He asks himself why it had taken him so long to come out as gay, saying that his portrayal of Damian actually set him back in Hollywood and in his own personal coming to terms with himself.
The whole thing is damn insightful and meaningful, but here’s a particularly telling excerpt about how Daniel’s career took an unexpected turn after he played Damian:
One time I wanted to audition for a supporting character in a low-budget indie movie described as a “doughy, blue-collar lug of a guy.” The role was to play the husband of an actress friend of mine who I had been in two movies and an Off-Broadway play with. She and I had even moved to L.A. together. I figured I was perfect for it.
They said they were looking for a real “man’s man.” The casting director wouldn’t even let me audition. This wasn’t the last time this happened. There were industry people who had seen me play you in Mean Girls but never seen me read in an audition but still denied me to be seen for “masculine” roles.
However, I did turn down many offers to play flamboyant, feather-boa-slinging stereotypes that always seemed to be laughed at BECAUSE they were gay. How could I go from playing an inspirational, progressive gay youth to the embarrassing, cliched butt-of-a-joke?
So, there it was. Damian, you had ruined my life and I was really pissed at you. I became celibate for a year and a half. I didn’t go to any gay bars, have any flings and I lied to anyone who asked if I was gay. I even brought a girl to the ‘Mean Girls’ premiere and kissed her on the red carpet, making her my unwitting beard.
Why come out now, then?
It wasn’t until years later that grown men started to coming up to me on the street - some of them in tears - and thanking me for being a role model to them. Telling me I gave them comfort not only being young and gay but also being a big dude. It was then that I realized how much of an impact YOU had made on them.
Before you make the “too gay to function” joke, which I totally did before I finished reading the article, listen to what he has to say about it:
I hate it when people say I’m ‘too gay to function.’ I know you do, too. Those people are part of the problem. They should refrain from using that phrase. It really is only OK when Janis says it.
It takes some serious guts to be this open about the intermingling of your career and your personal life, especially when admitting that playing a beloved character in a classic movie has impacted you in a negative way. I have loads of respect for this man. Congrats, Daniel.
it really is only ok when janis says it/hets are the worssssst
“The teachings about love offered by Fromm, King, and Merton differ from much of today’s writing. There is always an emphasis in their work on love as n active force that should lead us into greater communion with the world. In their work, loving practice is not aimed at simply giving an individual greater life satisfaction; it is extolled as the primary way we end domination and oppression.”—bell hooks, All About Love, 76
“art is giving yourself permission to translate life. exactly the way you feel. see. and hear it. be the artist you are. give yourself permission to speak your own language.”—nayyirah waheed (via nayyirahwaheed)
“It’s one thing to say you have confidence in someones mental health and it’s another thing to actually behave that way. It doesn’t always work out. But if you never get the chance to actually be at your best because I never have confidence in your ability to do so then how would you ever feel happy/healthy around me?”—the boyf, setting gold standards for dating crazies since [actually I dunno since when cuz I’m def not the first one]
millions of real existing people fall in love with straight men. what the fuck
im still thinking about this. they dont just befriend and hang out with straight men, they get emotional about them. they think ‘this person is the best thing that ever happened to me’. i think there was a time when this phenomenon made sense to me but now it does not.
Over the years,I’ve talked to clinicians about why the self is rarely mentioned in treating patients who suffer from mental illnesses that damage their sense of who they are. If anything, it seems that psychiatry is moving away from a model in which the self could be discussed. For many psychiatrists, mental disorders are medical problems to be treated with medications, and a patient’s crisis of self is not very likely to come up in a 15-minute session with a psychopharmacologist.
Philip Yanos, an associate professor of psychology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, in New York, studies the ways that a sense of self is affected by mental illness. He told me that when his work was under grant review, it was initially met with skepticism. Some thought that what he calls “illness identity,” which manifests in some patients as overidentifying with their mental disorder, was a topic of lesser importance in the face of other serious symptoms that patients experience, like cognitive impairment and thoughts of suicide.
Yanos told me that reshaping your identity from “patient” to “person” takes time. For me, going from patient to person wasn’t so arduous. Once I understood I was not vermicelli, part of my personhood was restored. But reconstructing my self took longer.
One reason that may have been the case, as Amy Barnhorst, a psychiatrist at the University of California, Davis, told me, is the unique set of challenges facing people who have experienced mania and hypomania. “The parts of the selves that may come out” in mania and hypomania, which can be horrifying, “are very real,” she said, making it difficult for patients “to reconcile those behaviors with their self as they have come to know it.” In mania and hypomania, the sick self has no accountability; the improved self has a lot of explaining, and often apologizing, to do.
For many people with mental disorders, the transformation of the self is one of the most disturbing things about being ill. And their despair is heightened when doctors don’t engage with the issue, don’t ask about what parts of the self have vanished and don’t help figure out strategies to deal with that loss.
One day, not long ago, a middle-aged man came to our group. He told us that he spent the past year attending different grief groups, but none of them were right. “Why not?” someone asked. The man said: “Because everyone there was grieving over the loss of another person. I was grieving for myself. For who I used to be before I got sick and who I am now.”
Excerpts and emphasis mine. Just beginning to scratch the surface. The constant battle to get better and simultaneous sabotaging that same desire, out of fear. For who will I be, I who has been living a life not knowing what a normal life’s like.
Thanks for sharing/pulling out these particular bits. Been thinking a lot about selfhood and mental health these days.
easter in jerz with felix’s family: SUNSHINE, driving around listening to emo (i am grudgingly tolerant/occasionally encutened), extrovert convergence in every room of the house (omgggg), sex on the same twin bed but sleeping in different ones.