Where do I live? If I had no address, as many people
do not, I could nevertheless say that I lived in the
same town as the lilies of the field, and the still
Spring, and all through the neighborhood now there are
strong men tending flowers.
Beauty without purpose is beauty without virtue. But
all beautiful things, inherently, have this function -
to excite the viewers toward sublime thought. Glory
to the world, that good teacher.
Among the swans there is none called the least, or
I believe in kindness. Also in mischief. Also in
singing, especially when singing is not necessarily
As for the body, it is solid and strong and curious
and full of detail; it wants to polish itself; it
wants to love another body; it is the only vessel in
the world that can hold, in a a mix of power and
sweetness: words, song, gesture, passion, ideas,
ingenuity, devotion, merriment, vanity, and virtue.
Keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable.
~ Mary Oliver ~”—Found via Curvy Yoga. Holy shit, Mary Oliver, how do you always do this to me?
"The Man Who Loves to Hate Himself: How Louis C.K. turned humiliation, rejection, fatherhood and masturbation into the darkest and funniest comedy act in America."
Uh huh. Yeah. How hilarious and original, a white cis-dude who jerks off and gets rejected, who hates himself and is utterly pathetic.
This issue also loses major points for framing a story about Rihanna’s recent success in comparison to Beyoncé’s recent album’s flop on the radio as a “Battle of the Divas.” Just because there are two successful, talented black ladies performing in the same goddamn chart year doesn’t mean they’re in fighting each other. Or that they’re “divas”. Dumbfucks.
(I was looking for some reading to put me to sleep. Lesbian porn instead? Probably.)
HUGE Trigger Warning post for anti-trans women violence
How come youtube takes down a video in less than 3 days of a trans woman beating a guy who was harassing her on the subway as a “violation of youtube’s policy on shocking and disgusting content” and yet the video of a…
In talking about polyamory relationship success, I do take as a given that you’re a rational grown-up. Relationships are for grown-ups. If you’re not a grown-up, fix that, first. Own your own shit, realize the world doesn’t revolve around you, have some basic self-knowledge and the ability to communicate honestly. If you don’t have those things, this article isn’t going to be worth a damn to you.
Okay, now that the children are upstairs listening at the doorway, I want to talk a bit about the single factor that makes the most difference in the success or failure of polyamory relationship success – partner selection.
I want it clear that you are a grown-up. You know better than to map “good partner for you” to “good human being”, right? There are billions of good people in this world that would make a crappy partner for you. Got it?
Poly partner selection breaks down into two basic classifications. The first question you need to ask is, “Is this person a grown-up?” Only date grown-ups. That’s flat. You might make a badly-informed decision otherwise, but if you restrict your dating to grown-ups, even the mistakes will be considerably less painful and will not involve peripheral drama and nonsense. Really, if you follow the rule of only dating grownups you’ve solved a good 90% of the problems right there.
Owns his own shit.
Tells the truth.
Knows how to set appropriate boundaries
Knows that ultimately he is the one finally responsible for getting his needs met.
Knows how to ask for what she wants.
Knows the difference between a request and a demand.
Knows that the world does not revolve around him, so is not quick to take everything personally.
There. Really you can stop reading. If your partners meet those criteria, you’ve eliminated a lot of problems. Even so, sometimes even two grownups are not a great match, though. Once you’ve gotten past the “Is this person a grown-up?” the questions start getting really individual. You need to know yourself and your personal tastes. Here’s some good questions to ask:
Do I like socializing best one on one or in a group?
What sorts of things do I like to do? Does the candidate for a relationship with me like to do any of them?
How okay am I with people doing things without me? If Significant Events in your life are ruined without the presence of all your partners, not only do you need to be up front about it, you want to select partners within a small geographic area who have few commitments outside of the relationship. (This almost borders on “Not a grownup” in my book, as the joined at the hip paradigm is often an unspoken expectation. But I let it slide because if you ARE up front about it and select for it, you’re owning your own shit, which means Grownup).
Do I favor a communication form? What kinds of communication make me happiest?
How important are spiritual beliefs and practices (or the lack thereof) to me?
How much time do I need to spend with a partner to be happy?
Does the candidate actually desire to give and have that level of time to give?
If the candidate wants more time than you were thinking of giving, do you have as much time as the candidate is happiest having and are you happy giving it? Be cautious with this one. Relationships are great, but we poly people tend to have a strong creative component to our lives. Keep time to draw, knit, paint, blow stuff up, build siege engines, etc. Yes, this can be something you do with a partner, and you’ll be getting a Cool Partnership with Extra Sprinkles. It’s awesome when it happens and might even be something you want to look for.
How strongly do I feel about kids or the lack thereof in terms of socializing with partners? Is this in harmony with the candidate’s actual life? (Hint: If said partner has kids under 12 and lives with the kids full-time, if the kids are not a huge factor, he or she might be avoiding parenting responsibilities in favor of extra-curricular activities. i.e. Might not be a grown-up. Just sayin’ Be careful and aware).
Do you agree on what’s “quality time” together? You might find sitting together watching a movie a great thing to do together, or you might consider it a waste of time when you could be interacting. Make sure you know what’s quality time for the both of you. You might have differing views and that’s okay. If you know and are cool with mutually meeting those differing needs, it’ll work out. But not knowing can be a recipe for disaster, even among grown-ups. Make sure you’re actually cool with it, though. If you’re tolerating it for TEH HAWT SECKIN go up a few paragraphs. You really don’t have to compromise on that when looking for good relationships.
Are you patting yourself on the back and saying, “Oh I can get along with anyone and can make my style match anyone else’s for a good relationship?”
Stop pattin’. No, seriously, stop it. Either you’re so tapioca bland and tasteless that you aren’t worth having a relationship with, or your self-knowledge needs some work. You do have tastes, desires, things that make you happy, and things that don’t. If you pretend you don’t, that nonsense is just gonna explode all over the place one day like an overripe zit. Even the most easygoing of people have tastes and preferences, for pity’s sake. Don’t sell yourself short. Choose wisely and your relationships will be awesome.
And if you don’t, realize they’re learnable skils.
Why yes, not only am I a parent, I remember my own childhood.
I get so tired of people presuming that you’re starting to do poly, and that you’re by default monogamous. This is a great list of stuff you should think about and questions you should ask yourself, but I’m sorry, polyamory is not any more “for grown-ups” than monogamy is, and relationships are not only “for grown-ups” either. Everyone learns, everyone’s relationships get better as they have more of them.
Monogamy is not the default for some people. Some people aren’t monogamous thinking about becoming poly. And I think people who are already nonmonogamous when they start having relationships have JUST as much right to be ignorant about themselves and their relationship styles as people who are monogamous when they start having relationships. Attitudes that people need to “be grown-ups,” attitudes that people need to be as perfect and healthy as possible before they can be poly is exclusionary and discriminatory as fuck, against young people, against people who have mental illnesses, and against people in general who for whatever reason haven’t yet had opportunities to figure this shit out. These people are entitled to stumble and fall and fix it in poly relationships too, if that’s what they believe in and what they want their relationships to look like. I guess at least this one concludes with “you can learn these things; I remember being young”…
This is why I think after crisis mode, it’s so important to take time to reintegrate, and also in general important to pay attention to ALL the ways BPD affects different parts of how you feel things. Recently posted about this at cuntext.com, about the way the emotional porousness of BPD plays out in sex, and I think that was valuable insight for me. My therapist also lately has been strongly discouraging me from understand myself as categorically BPD/crazy, because when you only see BPD as crazy/crisis and adopt that as identity, you kind of hold yourself in a very particular, miserable state.
Quebec’s justice minister called the federal government’s omnibus crime bill a “Band-Aid solution” Tuesday and said his province will refuse to absorb the added costs associated with it.
Jean-Marc Fournier, testifying at the House of Commons justice and human rights committee, said Bill C-10 will wind up causing more crime, not less, because it is an unbalanced piece of legislation that doesn’t focus enough on the rehabilitation of criminals, particularly young offenders.
He said the legislation is meant to put more people in jail and that will result in higher recidivism rates unless more is done to get at the root causes of criminality and to successfully reintegrate offenders into society so they can go on to lead productive lives.
“What we want is a sustainable protection of the public,” he said. “We wish to see a reinsertion of the youth in society so that society can benefit from it.”
The cult of natural beauty does not, in reality, ask us to strip away our feminine ‘fakery’, but rather to make our fakery more subtle and more convincing, which requires ever more expertise, ever more specialised products, and ever more anxiety about getting it wrong. A dress that doesn’t flatter her, an uneven streak of foundation, a dodgy hair dye job: signs of failure, mocked because they signal ineptness at mastering our image - the ultimate sin of womanhood.
In a society of compulsive airbrushing, saturated with images of impossible perfection, the notion of embracing a more natural - a more realistic - image of ourselves may seem instinctively appealing to a feminist sensibility.
But we would do well to think carefully about the assumptions that structure such aesthetic categories. Natural has never really signified an intrinsic pre-cultural quality. As the process of the make-under so aptly demonstrates, what we call ‘natural’ is only ever a different mode of artifice, produced within society’s power-structures and equipped with its own set of cultural codes and meanings.
To talk about natural beauty is to naturalise a specific form of beauty, and naturalisation is always a process of privileging and exclusion.
“Eight percent of college men have either attempted or successfully raped. Thirty percent say they would rape if they could get away with it. When the wording was changed to “force a woman to have sex,” the number jumped to 58%. Worse still, 83.5% argue that “some women look like they are just asking to be raped.”—
Margo Maine, Ph.D. (Body Wars)
There was a time that, as a person of the male persuasion, seeing this quote made me really mad. It made me mad that women would assume that I was a rapist; it made me mad that rape was becoming ‘my problem’; it made me mad because, frankly, I didn’t think it was true. I think that this is a really common male attitude when confronted with rape statistics- or, at least, it has been in my purely anecdotal experience.
But now, I know there is no excuse for that. Men need to take responsibility and look at these numbers for what they really are, and what they really, truly represent. Men, don’t be mad at the woman who is justifiably wary that more than half of the men she knows could be her potential rapist. Don’t be mad at that there’s someone trying to rain on your fun, privileged parade where rape is something that only happens on Law & Order. Don’t be mad that you can’t accept that rape is way more common than you think. Most of all, don’t be mad at the woman who was raped and is seeking justice and help for her assault just because you thinks she looks like she was ‘asking for it.’
Be mad at the man who waits in the park to prey on the women who have a right to feel safe in their own communities. Be mad at the man who takes advantage of his drunk girlfriend. Be mad at the man who pushes the issue when his wife isn’t in the mood. Be mad at the man who catcalls, who makes unwelcome advances, who cops a feel.
Don’t be angry at the woman who doesn’t entirely trust you. Be angry at the men who have made her feel that way. Don’t be a part of a problem.
This is the best commentary I’ve seen on this post. It’s been around since Sept 2010 and has about 5000 notes, and yet, this is the only commentary I’ve seen that entire time that is basically amazing.
Short is not just a matter of length but also of temper, of impatience, of lack of focus, and this shortness is the thing that drives us to scream at the light to hurry up, to push back against the darkness, to demand that things move along more quickly to satisfy our desire to be out of the darkness, to escape from the dark wood wandering. It is so hard to relax into the darkness and the unknown, to resist the temptation to flick on a light to drive the fear away, to let the sun come up on its own without exhortation or pleading. But when you do, when you sit quietly, you see the flush of fire on the horizon, the blaze of colours moving so quickly and uncertainly that if you blink you will miss it, you see the order of things reordering itself, as it does every day, as it will continue to do, even when it seems that everything is falling apart.
Don’t assume that needs not being met in one relationship can be met in another
Often, people may fall into the trap of believing that if some need is not being met in a relationship, the solution is to meet that need by seeking another relationship. This is particularly common in primary/secondary relationships, where if the secondary’s needs aren’t being met, the secondary may seek out other relationships to meet them.
In reality, many needs are connected to a person, not to a relationship. If you need A, B, C, D, and E, don’t assume you can have needs A, B, and D met from Joe, and needs C and E from Bob. What you may find is that you need A, B, C, and D from Joe, and need A, D, and E from Bob; getting A from Joe does not mean that you do not also need it from Bob.
I’m a queer transman in a polyamorous relationship; specifically, I’m a part of an open quad. I have 3 partners, and the four of us are all in various kinds of intimate relationships with one another. Some are sexual, some not so much, some not at all, but we’re all equal partners in love and…
“I think that when you want things so badly, it shows on your body. When you’re young like that, it’s when you want things the worst and you don’t even know how to hide it. You don’t even know that it shows, like your slip hanging out from the hem of your skirt. The lump of your pad on the ass of your jeans. I had a reputation as a slut before I ever kissed anyone, and I understood that being a slut wasn’t really about what you did, it was about who you were.”—Michelle Tea, The Chelsea Whistle (123)
I am a writing snob: not because I am the most eloquent, grammatically-adept, perfectly spelled starving artist to ever grace the world with her words (ask me about my journeys with commas sometime, or my passionate love affair with fragments and run-ons), but because I am a writer. I am not someone who writes; I am someone for whom there is no other option. This is the difference between “I am someone who (hatefully, regretfully, anxiously) talks” and “I am a writer.” My writing, a complete opposite to my speaking, is joy and confession and a need for both of these things, and I hope this is transparent.
I have talents that I’m not supposed to have: I can tell who crushes on who by how they stand, I can read strides, I can hear the tonal differences between an alto and a soprano singing the same line so clearly that to me they sing entirely different notes, and I can read through the lines and tell when a person doesn’t need to be writing at all. That, that is what makes me a snob, because I cannot abide a person putting pen to paper or fingers on keys when they don’t need to, when word choice is not as relevant and demanding and essential to them as breathing and syntax is about being correct and not about being evocative.
"Borderline personality disorder can sort of be summed up as “really thin skinned” in a lot of ways. I am emotionally porous; I find it extremely difficult to separate my emotions from those of the people around me. I am highly perceptive and receptive to other people’s feelings and nonverbal signals. The scale and intensity of my emotions is huge; where most people might experience their feelings as constant tidal fluctuations within themselves, I experience them as tidal waves I’m desperately trying to surf to keep from drowning, and it is just as physical an experience as surfing or drowning in the literal sense. My emotional experience is intrinsically embodied experience.
A lot of the time, this is not good or fun. For example, being with someone who’s really private and deliberate about which emotions or needs she articulates (ahem, Andy) can mean I’m in the position of picking up and responding to things I’m not necessarily intended to know or respond to. I can easily get preoccupied with trying to figure out what the other person feels or needs instead of figuring out what I feel or need. I lose myself in the confusion of conflicting verbal and nonverbal signals, which often contain other triggers like rejection, which can prompt crises in which my heart rate doubles to match the velocity of my thinking, my flesh heats, and I feel like I am going to fly to pieces.
But when I take that thin skin into sex…I’m just going to ignore societal norms for the thousandth time today and be arrogant. You wish you could watch. Because when I bottom, whatever tension you set, I hold it right there until you tug it tighter or slacken it. When you touch me with even a single fingertip, you get a response, and you get it fast. I know you want me to spread my legs wider so you can fuck me deeper before you’ve even consciously realized it yourself. I am fully present in my body; I bring my whole self into our fucking. And I am giving you constant information, with every cell of my body, about what feels good. This way of bottoming is tied to my femmeness; I get it when Amber Dawn asks, ‘Who was I, as a femme, if I couldn’t offer my body to you, my butch lovers, as a touchstone, a safe haven of hotness, a soft-skinned, sweet-mouthed reminder that who we were was right and good?’ (Persistence, 100). My thin skin is how I know how to touch your shoulders, your chest, your cock, to make your gender (and mine) through our fucking.”