Cuntext

good things: shh it’s totally summer edition

• today was the first barbecue of the season
• with some of my favorite queers, one of whom i hadn’t hung out with since 2009 when i was macking the first queer i boned, and many i almost never see, and andy and aurora
• made spicy brownies and ate bilboquet outdoors in a short skirt (dedicated to mini-box, whose definition of summer is “warm enough to eat ice cream outdoors in shorts at night and not be cold”)
• watched game of thrones for the first time since i watched the pilot years ago and am hooked (oh dear) (but like……..this season will have the red wedding and i cannot wait to watch people who haven’t read the books freak the fuck out in real time) (also queen of thorns) (also sansa) (!!!!!)
• finally communicated effectively and broke things off with this play partner of mine, so relieved
• ran into someone i know through the leatherdyke crowds on my way home from the barbecue, and we chatted for a bit until their bus came
• pretty sure i’m going to check out the 18-35 play party this weekend even though it’s not a leatherdyke event, eeep
• it’s kind of nice being into topping now because it means i can swoon either way? i want a li’l cub and a daddy, which opens up so much more queer masculinity for the flirting/fucking/beating. 
• i also had a totally lovely date with that straight couple who had one of the only not-awful replies to my cuckolding ad and am probably going to see them again when she gets in touch. he says he’ll do anything i saaaay ;)
• so into big, chill femme topping, the kind that’s like “baby, i got you,” firm touch and responsiveness, hands full of desire. the kind that can slide into hard and mean if that feels right for the bottom who’s under my palms, but that above all is about solid control and mindreading*
• especially when i’m taking the place of the “young hung stud” of straight cuckold porn

1. got it done
2. my itsy bitsy barely there ass looked pretty great today
3. seriously got it done i don’t even know how that happened
4. by got it done i mean that there was an entire actually really fun and chill hangout with both the best butch exes and both of their (second) girlfriends despite the fact that as far as i know one hates me
5. (!!!???!!!!!!!!!!! thank fucking god)
6. well, by “got it done” i also mean “got through this day” even though i fell asleep on the bus yesterday, went straight to bed when i got home, and my first thought this morning was “thank fuck it’s saturday i don’t have to get up and go to work,” which was false
7. i also might mean that i won a number of arm wrestling matches
8. and i might have eaten my first entire meal that was fish-based in my entire life

good things: tonight’s play party edition

• almost bailed on going because i was feeling lazy and there were going to be potentially awkward people there, but said “fuck it” and went anyways.
• obtained a leather mentor within three minutes of walking into the space!
• !!!!! yay mentorship. she’s a good one, too. god, canadian leatherdykes, truly the best fuckin’ people.
• delicious cupcakes, as always. i have made it a habit to always split the cake part in half to sandwich the frosting and it rules.
• sat down next to, said hi to, and introduced myself to this guyish person whom i see at everything and hung out for a bit. 
• confirmed that i really, really need to handcuff some dirty little boy to a spanking bench, put a butt plug in him, and beat him up wearing leather gloves. thank you to that top who was wearing leather gloves tonight.
• they moved my favorite white chaise longue to a different spot tonight and it gave me a perfect view of that scene with the top with the leather gloves. also it prompted two big femmes in the scene to tell me i looked good.
• this person by whom i was intrigued when i met them at harvest said they were like “omg who’s that babe” before realizing we had totally met.
• then they introduced me to some quiet cute boyish type girl who clearly wanted my attention, but i’m not quite down to top a stranger in public (one or the other, but not both at once).
• went to pee and discovered that somehow my updo actually looked better after wearing a hat and helmet and biking to the space and hanging out for a couple hours without looking in a mirror. best femme luck ever.
• then i moved into the dungeon and watched a bunch of other hot scenes while lusting after a co-bottoming scene on the face-to-face st. andrew’s crosses, as always. pretty sure i’m just going to balls out ask the entire attending group for the next big leatherdyke event (next month) to make it happen.
• when the person who called me a babe said good night, they made a quip about “always falling for you”.
• smooth bike ride home. i wasn’t too cold, i was turned on, and i realized that now biking is like driving was back in california. i don’t mind being inefficient with my routes; i just like the feeling of being in motion.
• now i’m lying on my bed in my favorite black lace underwear and jewelry, hair still up and looking perfect, hands smelling like my leather gloves, being content with life.
• soon i’m going to read a story from this is how you lose her and go to sleep. and if i’m good, i won’t jerk off because it will better prepare me to top tomorrow night, when i might fuck this straight girl while her boyfriend’s blindfolded and bound on the other side of the room.

vacation hour

Read More

good things: summer is coming edition

• this weekend is kind of ruling so far, which is good because it means canceling all plans/refusing to have plans in preparation for an april full of plans was a good call.
• having no plans has nevertheless resulted in lovely plans! i spontaneously went to this queer party alone on friday night, ended up spending the night a nic’s and hanging out on saturday catching up and hashing some things out, then saw red and watched some bsg and got my bike back, then saw a friend who lives on the other side of the pond whom i hadn’t seen in like three years and a bunch of other semi-friends by complete surprise
• also that hang involved a CANAL WALK! because the snow has melted! and it’s springtime!
• and i have my bike back, which is extremely exciting because it means i won’t pay for a métro pass this month and it means i get exercise every day (watch my mood improve rapidly)
• today also involved diner-lunch with coconut cream pie, for which i had a craving months ago that was never fulfilled.
• i’m making the executive decision to go to therapy twice a month instead of every week. 
• i’m going to use some of those savings to pay for queer porn because i was thinking about ethical porn consumption and sex work and i decided that the way to walk my talk is to pay for the hot porn i like to watch. 
• listening to lady gaga circa fall 2009, which was a really exciting, happy time for me.
• recently started a “chronic fragments” (<3 wordplay) gdoc in which to put down random little bits of ideas so i can scroll through them and play with them all at once when i’m looking for what to write next. (this should mean cuntext posting back on track in may at latest.)
• toronto next weekend for the aslan leather switch play party where one of my best bros is djing. (AHHH wtf am i wearing to this party?) also i will pick up my clover clamps and leash from come as you are! by the way, you should totally buy from there or donate, if you can: http://www.comeasyouare.com/ 
• april is tomorrow. that means winter is definitely over.
• saw julia serano speak last week and she was so lovely and she sounded just like home.
• i have so many thoughts about femininity and masculinity in queer communities, and emotional labor, and girlness and vulnerability right now and this is very interesting and probably a good sign.
• upcoming big fun plans with the whole ex-poly-fam and the whole extended party crew, for one of our own’s first time djing on this legendary fucking system. kinda nervous; first time with andy and aurora and nic and nic’s other gf all in the same place, but i also just want to get back to trying to be friends with everyone so fucking badly. i hope it’s good. it’ll be good; so many of my favorite bros and lezbros will be in town and it will be such a lez dance floor.
• i need to skype with my sister more often. we skyped for her birthday, and it was so nice!

reasons not to get a washer & dryer

the laundromat three blocks away does not have wifi

and

i just realized i have at least five really interesting viable ideas to write about

good things: encore une fois!

yes guys. twice in a day.

• went to edgy lucha tonight, and holy shit. so many women wrestlers, in the spirit of lucha libre, which i vaguely remember from my childhood (but didn’t grow up watching because i grew up with white parents and we didn’t watch spanish-language tv. we should have though; wtf).
• so many hot wrestler lady villains who are fucking badass and huge and literally can smackdown. so many hot moves. tit slaps and positions i’ve been pulled into at play parties by a certain toronto butch top, by my hair, facedown on the floor. and hilarious things like “lesbian popcorn” (yes it was called that) with nutritional yeast and cumin (too much) and salt and something else. also, the cookies i made yesterday!
• nice little hang with nic and andy. i love these guys so much; they are the best.
• it’s spring! walked home voluntarily in springtime fancy boots and a sweater and my light leather jacket, and i remembered to bring gloves so it was just perfect. 
• while walking home, i remembered i’d brought a brand new fresh pack of cohibas with me. then i lit one, and realized cohibas taste like sunshine, brocation, and happy times with my best friends, which makes them perfect treats and/or emergency mood measures. i don’t smoke regularly and don’t have an interest in taking it up, but these cigarettes taste the way i always wish cigarettes would taste. also they just remind me of andy because she valiantly brought me one half-pack from being deported even though she couldn’t buy them in san josé, because she knew i’d like them.
• i realized while walking home that nic totally introduced me to radical acceptance of your mental health reality through the way she deals with her add. i mean, it’s infuriating sometimes, because i get very easily triggered by some of her specific add behaviors, but actually that model was really important for me as i started dealing with my mental health, and nic really encouraged that, always.
• on good terms with the boy again, which means fun conversations. i actually need more friends; this is such a relief.
• my hair is long enough to put up with bobby pins and have it all stay up, and then when i take it down it doesn’t even look weird and fucked up because gravity fixes it. i love this. it’s great.

good things: up all night/morning edition

• i’m about to go eat some olive bread with rosemary boursin and thick red peppers i roasted yesterday
• then i’m going to go to this two-hour long meditation thing i’ve been meaning to try out for three months
• i put those two things first because i didn’t want to start with first-thing-in-the-morning unusually epic jerking off
• lord i thank you for this bounty; it is not every girl who can go to sleep with an njoy butt plug cuddled against her boobs, then wake up and dp herself in the morning. one of the coolest things about getting dp’d is being able to feel the aftershocks of orgasm really strongly, because the tissue between vag and anus is squeezed between things.
• i really want some clover clamps
• tonight i’m going to see women boxing with a halftime burlesque show
• i baked chocolate chip cookies with finely chopped roasted/salted almonds yesterday and they were delicious
• my roommate just left so i can go into the bathroom wearing no pants, carrying a dick, with my njoy still up my ass. yay solitude.
• next weekend multiple besties are coming to town and i’m seeing tale of us on one of the best systems in the world and i may be doing some drugs
• i feel like finally i am stable enough to start pushing myself again and it feels good to be able to dream, to make plans, and to hold myself to my own ethical standards and act on them
• my wedding ring for myself is not going to be here by march 13th for my ceremony. sad bride, i know. but luckily there’s a really appropriate backup date, which is the actual spring equinox (since this marriage is set to last until summer solstice).
• i’m gonna cut my nails today too

what i’m rolling around in bed with

• my journal
• one of the sharpie fineline pens i use to write in my journal (black)
• macho sluts
• headphones
• ipod
• sub rosa
• the stories of vladimir nabokov
• andy’s sweatshirt
• my mother she killed me, my father he ate me
• a j
• a blue lighter
• a glass ashtray
• glasses
• collective tarot deck and book
• broken nexus s
• nic’s old blackberry
• reading like a writer
• purple pen that isn’t waterproof so can’t be used for journal even though it’s pretty

good things

• got girl scout cookies in the mail today! my mom loves me.
• as previously screeched, one of my best bros is going to DJ a play party in toronto in april, and i am beyond stoked for it.
• feeling really superbly happy today, and i don’t know why, really. could just be the mood upswing, the balancing out of this weekend’s horrific depression.
• it’s spring in montréal! that’s not exciting in and of itself, because spring is just rain and slush and gross, but it’s exciting because it means summer is coming, and summer is my home season.
• joni mitchell. “you turn me on, i’m a radio” is such a flawless pop song. (it’s also a pretty accurate reflection of where i’m at post-split with the boy.)
• black beans and rice with maple syrup and lizano salsa
• avocado for breakfast, avocado for lunch
• karl and minibox are coming for a weekend next month; brocation reunion!
• regular kink stuff happening at the new space my older femme acquaintance opened recently. play party a couple weekends ago, and this weekend a workshop on embarrassment and humiliation with one of my favorite facilitators ever.
• (plus a 5 à 7 wine & cheese with open dungeon after the workshop this weekend…low pressure, but if you happen to find you have something in common with someone…)
• the cute boi with the breathing orgasms has been messaging me on fetlife and made me squawk and blush this morning. i dunno what i’m getting into, here, but i suspect it could be interesting?
• i’m going to so much yoga these days and feeling so present and it’s glorious. and i’m going to get back to that wednesday 10:00 am class i’d been letting slide because i was often spending tuesday nights with the boy.
• faster recoveries, fuller lives

good things: play party/fuck this dramabomb bullshit edition

• i made it to this play party last night, partly because i am brilliant and told the femmedaddy leatherdyke whose space/party it was i would volunteer at the door. i feel smart for exploiting my j-ness/commitment to keeping my word to make sure i got there.
• holy shit, atelier cmd is a beautiful space. big lounge with three leather couches, a bright and clean medical room with multiple tables, a well-equipped and beautifully laid-out dungeon, good lighting, and chill/up-tempo/sometimes dark electronic music. 
• my personal highlight of the dungeon is the face-to-face st. andrew’s crosses, on which i am dying dying dying to co-bottom. let’s hold hands in our cuffs and watch each other’s faces while we’re taking those hits please please please.
• such a small play party means everyone pretty much talks to everyone (at least in this crowd of leatherdykes, which is why i fucking love these guys). i got to know people better, and had conversations about: erotic hypnosis, dating straight men and how their scripts don’t make any sense, girl scouting/boy scouting in the usa versus canada, teaching high schoolers how to figure out what they want and what conditions make their consent possible. 
• watched someone get hypnotized into hallucinating fireworks and flashes of light while she had a breathing orgasm, then beg “don’t wake me up, don’t wake me up”.
• ended up playing with the bottom in that scene at the end of the night, which was super confusing because i had no idea what she wanted from me when she asked if i wanted to play and said “let’s just get close and see what happens”. what happened was she curled up against me like a cat and had a bunch of giant, intense breath-orgasms while i touched her (fully clothed, all “non-erogenous” body parts), and told me i had amazing hands. i had to talk myself through whether this was “actually sex” when i got home, and it has been a million years since i asked myself that. snugglefucking ftw?
• i explained my kinks out loud, in words, to people i don’t really know for the first time ever, because the top in the hypnosis scene asked. when i explained that it’s pretty much intense/intentional gender + objectification and humiliation, she was like, “we gotta talk”. so i might get hypnotized and humiliated soon?
• as for the dramabomb that dropped a week ago…meh. i’m handling this better than i’ve handled any other upheaval of this type, and i’m trying to remember that, instead of feeling like a failure and/or victim.
• with the boy, i’ve laid all my cards on the table and he’s got to make whatever decision is right and realistic for him, now that we’ve communicated directly and he has all the information. i can only control how i act, and i’ve been honest, caring, and trustworthy to my satisfaction when it comes to him. as concerns nic’s girl, well…getting back around to kindness and caring is gonna take a hell of a long time. i just can’t with lying, sketchiness, and helpless abdication of responsibility, but i guess the rage and the severe anxiety have mostly melted away? for now i’ve landed on simple and deep disgust, the kind that leaves a bad taste in your mouth and makes your lip curl. while it sucks to say goodbye to the potential new friendships and the big, chill fam-time hangs that were juuuuust out of reach before this shit hit the fan, for now i’m just going to gather myself in, lean on the solidity of me, nic, and andy. 
  
• my tarot cards have been consistent in their advice and then their reassurance about having followed that advice since last week. i appreciate this. it’s easy to second-guess yourself when you do something that’s scary as shit, even when you think it’s the right thing to do.