uncannydesires asked: Thanks for answering about The Tarot! Another one, if you don't mind. How does one (and how did you yourself) start off with BDSM? I have an inkling I might like some of the stuff, but what do you think would be the options if trying out things with a partner is not possible (at least not now), how does one find playmates/community? How was it for you? What's the best way to try out without getting traumatised?... Thanks in advance!
I think there’s no real “how one starts off in BDSM”. Also, I think it’s important to clarify that for me BDSM/kink/leather doesn’t only mean going to play parties and wearing tons of gear; I think lots of people who consider themselves vanilla are totally doing kink in their sex already, and that counts (if you want it to count). There is no threshold of being officially “in” BDSM.
I think probably the trajectory of me getting into kink is rather long, and I might like to actually just write it out at some point. Let’s just say it starts with sex slave auctions when I was playing make-believe as a six-year-old, goes through blindfolding and tying up the first boy I was hooking up with to give my first blowjob, discovering I liked being slapped across the face, discovering how much building gender through the way I fuck gets me off, and happening upon a nice community of Canadian leatherdykes that I’m really just now starting to get into.
As for trying things out without getting traumatised, I think the first thing is always to try things with people you trust. I’d recommend getting your hands on Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy’s The New Topping Book and/or The New Bottoming Book; they’re excellent primers for newbs that focus on the right things. What I mean by “the right things” is that I don’t think kink is about learning exactly the right technique; I think it’s about creating a dynamic that gets you and your partner/s off and having the tools to do that, whether that’s knowing your partner swoons when you kiss that spot on their neck or having some skills with a bullwhip.
Meeting community is a tough one that’s really dependent on where you are. Use FetLife if you’re comfortable with it, ask around to anyone you can think of who might know where the kinky people are, go to munches (non-sex/non-play events that often involve snacks, chats, and being in public with other kinksters), read and/or watch a lot of porn and see if it gets you off and what gets you off, try jerking off to stuff and see what makes you come and what stalls your orgasm. Read books.
I also think Barbara Carrellas’s Ecstasy is Necessary is a great tool. She guides readers through figuring out their core values and their needs in different types of relationships, then provides step-by-step exercises to help readers plan to take erotic risks, like trying out something new, while feeling safe and prepared and relaxed and into it.
bookishboi:
firstladysexyfineass:
And they are called nappies or something along those lines
How does something associated with babies become something for sexual thrills
I was introduced to that fetish when I was probably around 10. My brain hasn’t recovered since.
should i try and answer the question of how something for babies becomes something for sexual thrills? cuz, like, i’m happy to give it a shot, but not if the point of the post wasn’t curiosity, but just ewwwgrosssweird.
(Source: mariavontraphouse)
oh my god i cannot believe it took me this long to finally read this book. i think it’s because i was kind of turned off by patrick califia when i saw him speak on queer masculinity and saw his “transcendent kink” caning scene with a demo bottom in fall 2009, but i was stupid.
last night i finished reading “calyx of isis,” which, like, i can’t even begin to enumerate everything that’s amazing about it. there’s too much. first of all, it’s over 100 pages long; it’s really a novella and it’s never, ever boring. the plot development for once doesn’t hinder the porn. it’s a heavy, heavy gangbang scene with like six tops, and everything is in flawless order. a high femme with spike heels that are actual weapon blades and a damascus steel knife with a bone handle (i’m about to buy exactly that), an evil nurse who administers super precise canings and humiliating enemas, a filthy pair who usually fucks fags double fisting and dirty talking (i’m vehemently not even into fisting and this was hot), lines of clothespins that get bullwhipped off the bottom until she’s screaming that she’s in love with the top, who then fucks her with the whip handle and licks her clit until she comes, which oijweg030h34nfadlnas i died; you have no idea what that does for me. and also, really, really cute top-on-top interactions during the gangbang.
i realized last night that what i’m into is actually pretty unusual, compared to the entire population and even compared to most mildly kinky queers i know. i feel like most kinky people realize this sooner, so i’ll count myself blessed to have reached an age and place of confidence in its okayness before realizing how fucking weird i am. now if only i could meet some people to actually fucking do it with on a regular basis.
"Try this practice. Every time you go to a leather or kink event, look around to see who’s missing. Do you see a sea of white faces? Only able-bodied people? Mostly slim, conventionally attractive folks? Mostly people who make a living well above the poverty line? Mostly people aged thirty-plus? Mostly men? Is everyone cisgendered? Once you’ve assessed this, take a look at the structural elements that might have produced this situation. Could the advertising perchance have given the impression that this event was only for people who look like fetish models? Did the price exclude people who work for minimum wage? Do the thirty steps and no elevator mean that anyone with mobility issues quite simply can’t get in the door? Next, think about what you could do to change this situation. Perhaps it might mean approaching an organizer and noting that there’s a situation going on they might not have considered. There’s no need to be mean about it—in fact, the best kind of calling-out is the kind where the caller then offers some support in fixing the problem. But yeah, talking about change and making change can be uncomfortable, so expect some of that along the way. If you’re an organizer, this could mean organizing an event in a way that’s really pretty different from what you’ve known so far. Yep. Sometimes leadership means exactly that."
— “Some Dos and Don’ts For White Perverts In Our Efforts to Not Be Racist,” Andrea Zanin
tumblr after dark is in full swing
but for once i discovered it after jerking off a billion times instead of it inciting jerking off a billion times.
"Just the idea of shifting our sense of warm up in kink is a lovely one. I’ve found that many folks think of it as just about the body’s capacity to take pain…literally talk about it as warming up the skin (as if the skin is not a person, as if it is purely about biology). Folks have found me silly, odd, or even less of a top when I stretch before playing in a public place. Many scoff at warm up, or talk about folks who “don’t need warmup” as more desirable. (In general I have found that many folks seem to vocally value less needs in the folks they play with; this is particularly bluntly expressed by tops, in my experience. I want to lean away from this in so many ways; I’d love a community bent that leaned into and valued openly expressed needs. I find it so hard when there is a cultural value to diminished vocalization of needs, and see this as a cultural norm that is anti-access and deeply ableist, not to mention ripe for exploitation and play that just plain is not hot.)"
—
-Corey Alexander, obviously. This is just fucking perfect. (via cuntext)
(added link to post)
Did I not include a link before? Sorry! I usually do. Thanks for adding it.
(via tgstonebutch)
"
2. What has been the hardest thing about opening your relationship, and how have you overcome that?
By far the hardest thing about opening my marriage has been navigating that while also dealing with my partner’s depression. We still struggle with that, sometimes on a daily basis. It is difficult to know what is a “real issue” and what was coming from the depressed place at times, for myself and for my partner. I’m a pleaser by nature, so I had to learn that not every problem can be fixed or even NEEDS to be fixed. I’ve also had to learn that just because someone is temporarily unhappy, that doesn’t mean I should change my plans or feel guilty for being happy myself. I had to learn to separate my partner’s happiness from my own. That remains the biggest challenge I face, both in poly and in life.
I would say the main thing that helps us through the upheaval of depression is our D/s dynamic. I act as anchor in a very stormy sea, and that helps us both stay on course. We have daily rituals, for example, that are said no matter how hurt/upset we are. Keeping my boundaries firm and clear also helps, as well as getting a LOT of down time and support. Also being sure that when things are good, we make the most of it. When a foundation gets rocked, it can always be rebuilt but I had to learn to let go of resentments and hurts and just enjoy the partner I have when I can.
"
— Deserthooker on Sugarbutch, saying such beautifully important things
