Anonymous asked: Hey, I do understand that certain kinks are problematic (like the anime underage problem you discussed earlier), I was wondering what exactly you meant by the 'kinkshaming' part of your url.
it’s kind of a tongue in cheek term. people who often want to deny that kinks can be problematic refer to kink critical people as “kink shamers”
This is the perfect example of why “problematic” is becoming, if it has not always been, so worthless. What problems do you suppose are being caused, and how does the subjects’ admission that their kinks Are Problematic ameliorate the problems?
There are issues with the word of course but i don’t feel the need to expand on that here since i think anon gets what I mean. The whole point of being kink critical is analyzing kink as reflective of social power relations (and of course, not all kinks are “equal” or even relevant to this analysis -liking handcuffs in the bedroom, for instance, is pretty harmless imo) like anything else. analyzing how seemingly harmless or normalized activities and mindsets actually perpetuate and reproduce oppression is a key component of any critical theory and I see no reason why kinks like rape and race play fetishes. dd/lg etc should be exempt.
Yeah but that’s all you guys ever say, “it shouldn’t be exempt.” “Sex doesn’t happen in a vacuum.” “Power dynamics exist.” Ok? I’m with you, now what?
stay the fuck away from my consensual private life, actually!!! including my private self-care and self-therapy practices, which you’ll never hear about anyway!!
I don’t buy the argument that some kinks are “problematic”. What CONSENTING people do in the privacy of their own lives is their business, and there’s nothing problematic about that. If I want to roleplay at consensual non-consent, or at nazism, or at bestiality, or at age-regression, and my partner is into it too, who the fuck is anyone else to tell me that a) I can’t and b) that it’s somehow harmful to someone who isn’t even involved in the gddamn event? Sometimes sexual roleplay is a means of catharsis, of emotional processing, of self-care, of self-medication, and no one who isn’t me or possibly my partner or therapist can tell me that it’s problematic, and even then I don’t have to fucking listen to you if I don’t want to.
I think it’s true that whatever you do in the bedroom is your business and probably harmless. HOWEVER. Kink communities, like all communities, reproduce power dynamics. Just as I expect anyone to question their desire in relation to their individual location and their privilege, just as I expect cis dykes to question why they don’t fuck or date trans women, I expect kinksters to question their desire. What does it mean for a white person to engage in Master/slave relationships? What does it mean for cishet white men to only fuck and play with submissive women, to only be turned on when they get to treat women like property, especially when so often those men turn out to be genuinely in-real-life truly misogynist? The number of non-sexist men and the number of straight Tumblr Daddy doms doesn’t match up. The whiteness of kink scenes, representative of societal and systemic white supremacy, and the appropriation of “slave” relationships is “problematic”. I think often people condescendingly assume that kinksters haven’t thought this stuff through, but also I think the vast majority of kinksters don’t think this stuff through.
I say all this as an active white leatherdyke for whom Daddy/girl is the nexus of most stuff I find hot: extreme gender, degradation, humiliation, and submission.
ugh mtl/toronto leatherdyke scene of mine, i love you. thank you andrea & jacqueline; thank you all you fucking smart thinky perverts who make shit happen here.
See, my kinky leather identity grew firmly out of my queerness and my feminism. All three of those elements are important, and in some ways inseparable, dependent on one another. It’s important to me to pursue the sort of social justice that ensures that our consensual relationships are someday entered into from a place of roughly equal societal power. Without that aim, we’re simply perpetuating oppression.
Let me be clear: I am not saying that we need to wait until after the revolution to have the kind of sex and/or play that we want. I’m saying that we cannot turn a blind eye to the institutionalized power imbalances that affect our interpersonal relations when we’re negotiating our consensual power exchanges. To do so is venal and corrosive. To do so with a shrug and a nod to the tired catchphrase “your kink is OK” is offensive.
There, I said it."