THE NEW DISEASE CAME. I LEARN THAT TIME DOES NOT HEAL. EVERYTHING GETS WORSE WITH DAYS. I HAVE SPOTS LIKE A DOG. I COUGH AND CANNOT TURN MY HEAD. I CONSIDER SLEEPING WITH PEOPLE I DO NOT LIKE. I NEED TO LIE BACK TO FRONT WITH SOMEONE WHO ADORES ME. I WILL THINK MORE BEFORE I CANNOT. I LOVE MY MIND WHEN IT IS FUCKING THE CRACKS OF EVENTS. I WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT I KNOW IN CASE IT IS OF USE. I WANT TO GO TO THE FUTURE PLEASE.
our relationship has been awful for weeks and now it’s official: sleep has dumped the fuck out of me.
love waking up physically ill with anxiety.
- "don’t fuck with me don’t fuck with me," the flawless first line of dj eko’s soultronica volume 5 (how did it never occur to me before tonight that if there was a volume 2 more volumes might have come after me).
- this work week is over, and i made great decisions about how to manage having way too much on my plate
- i did all the essential things this week
- including all the ninety billion essential work tasks, despite having way too many essential work tasks
- i finally made time for a sensitive work-related convo today and it went so well and i’m back to loving my job (i hate you/don’t leave me: not just about human beings in the borderline heart)
- it’s my fucking weekend finally
- just discovered that “colomb” is in soultronica volume 4 so that’s downloading
- don’t even care that it’s freezing outside i’m drinking raspberry leaf tea under my down duvet with my headphones on
- okay i’m over being online time to get back to the scorpio races, a perfect treat after finally getting through bonheur d’occasion after seven years of procrastination
just sent one of those horrifically humiliating emails where you have to ask your friends to make an extra effort to act like your friends because you are so depressed and your bpd keeps telling you no one really likes you. this is so boring. can’t it just be summer yet? in summer i don’t care how many hands and arms touch my skin because the sun will do it enough for me to survive on.
yilduza said: BPD has four main symptom pillars: relationship difficulties (often overly focused on in media & literature, at least partially because so much of the literature is ableist and focuses on the effect of BPD on those AROUND the person diagnosed), emotional instability, impaired perception and reasoning, and impulsivity. An unstable/unreal sense of identity is often also a factor that affects each of those four symptom clusters as well.
this is maybe the most succinct accessible flawless definition of bpd i have ever seen!
step 1: have the feelings
step 2: say/do things based on them
stop interrupting yourself by categorizing.
fyi xanax/thigh-high boots/leather jacket/rihanna & headphones was a 100% effective solution to this mornings meltdown. coffee date was lovely, really into the scene the dom has in mind, other femme is a total babe, nice goodbye kisses. then i wandered through the mcgill ghetto and went to try on fluevogs and then ran an excellent training for my volunteers, so. good job, h.
cool, fuck up getting to that first ballet class in ten years when your schedule almost never lets you fit it in and then spend hours crying and then start splitting and wondering if you will ever be able to think about your ex poly family without thinking “that should have been me” and being overcome with devastation that it’s not you because you weren’t sane enough or getting saner fast enough and you weren’t good enough, and now somehow you just have to convince yourself that even though you’re completely fucking insane and bad at everything, especially relationships and boundaries and communication, you can totally go have this feeling-it-out coffee for a three-way scene that might very well be a dream come true without fucking it up or being painfully, uselessly awkward. hahahahahaaaaa, okay go!
- thigh-high boots
- leather jacket