bpd problems: having trouble distinguishing how another person seems to feel about you from how you actually feel about them. it’s so distracting and confusing and it never fails to get me in trouble.
half-waking perspective shifts: maybe it’s time to be grateful i’m no longer with someone who takes so much of my mental illness personally, and who is chronically incredulous that things are “a big deal” when they shouldn’t be. helloooooo the actual definition of anxiety is that shit always feels like a bigger, scarier deal than it is, and no matter how well i learn to reality check and calm myself down, i will probably always have that kind of initial reaction to the unexpected and unknown, and i hate being ridiculed and/or made to feel selfish and inconsiderate for it. no hard feelings; everything she does comes from a very solid place of good intentions and love. but she just can’t quite wrap her head around what mental illness means and that occasionally (these days; when we were together it kind of permeated my existence) makes me feel like shit. really, really freakish, undesirable, stupid, mean shit. thanks, bpd and my attendant difficulty separating what other people think and feel from what i think and feel.
and on that note, i’m going to pop half a xanax and see if i can go back to sleep until my alarm goes off.
my family is chock-full of mentally ill people who fucking suck at taking care of each other.
Shit just got bad. I hate how I don’t know how bad things are going to be until I’m calling in (mentally/psychically/emotionally) sick to work at the last minute, inconveniencing all my coworkers and embarrassing myself by being flaky and irresponsible.
— Virginia Woolf, To The Lighthouse (via alecforshort)
so sick of everything about the way i function as a human being.